Thoughts from the Deep Fried South

As a disclaimer, I was born in Ohio, but have lived in the South for the past 30 plus years.

I have often put pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, head to wall to express my feelings on the subject, but none of it has really escaped – until now.

When registering for our upcoming wedding many moons ago, my then bride to be was told (in a failed effort to convince her that she desperately needed to purchase a cast iron skillet to cook me ‘cone-bread’) that you can take the boy out of the country, but you cannot take the country out of the boy.  The helpful employee then informed my betrothed that we without a doubt needed the skillet because “girl, you’re marryin a kun-tree boy”.

Hilarious to me as I have often felt that since I was born north of the Mason Dixon Line, people still look at me and wonder if I am a spy for the Union army.

In a recent chat with a buddy from the UK, when asked what it was like to live in America – particularly the South – I started my unofficial guide’ to southern living (geared towards a foreigner mind you) – it went something like this:

1.)  You must have a favorite Nascar driver.  When it doubt, shout number 3 (Dale Earnhardt Sr., God rest his soul, may he rest in peace, died on the track, his son is number 8 (put two 3’s together back to back and you get a bonafied 8).  It doesn’t matter if the driver you pick sucks – you will defend your driver’s honor to the death.
2.)  Pick an alabama SEC conference team.  Alabama and Auburn are your two choices.  You must love one and hate the other.  unless the other is playing some other non alabama team, then it is acceptable for you to like the team, but on the iron bowl day – you will defend your team to the death.

(Coincidentally – In the New King Jim Version of the ‘Southern’ Ten Commandments, these are 1 and 2)

3.)  The right to bear arms is a GOD GIVEN right, not some man given right written down on a piece of paper.  If you have an issue with that, then talk to the barrel pal.

4.)  The civil war did not end.  it just became a cold war.  A very long, very hot, cold war. And make no mistake the south will rise ‘again’.

5.)  The starbuckification of western (and thereby ‘southern’ ) society is one of the greatest achievements in modern business –  second only to walmartification.  There’s one on every bloody corner.   Three things you see when you drive down a proper Southern road, even a dirt one: walmart, starbucks, and the first baptist church(es).    Yes,  there are many first baptist churches.  Even a few second baptist churches – I am waiting for the day when i see the first baptist church on the side of a walmart with a starbucks all in one building.  Imagine: God, Country, and Coffee.  It just doesn’t get any better than that.

Don’t forget, the south coined the phrase ‘praise the lord, and pass the ammunition’

More to come I am sure.  This was where my notes ended.

P.S.  Latest greatest bumper sticker:  “Paddle faster. I hear banjos.”